666 ways to masturbate

#145. Whilst playing Hello Kitty Online.

#146. Make a thick bowl of porridge to use.

#147. Masturbate whilst sitting on a little stool and milking a goat.

#148. Use gone-off milk to lubricate.

#149. Use gone-off breast milk to lubricate.

#150. Go for a record 150 times in one day. Then go to the hospital.

#151. Masturbate to the pixelated strippers in Duke Nukem 3D.

#152. Whilst doing it, keeping thinking to yourself: "You're pathetic".

#153. Masturbate in the middle of a roundabout.

#154. Masturbate in the middle of a motorway.

#155. Go to Walmart and open a pack of fresh tube-socks and masturbate into one of them and then put it back into and reseal the pack, and just leave the store without buying anything.

#156. Go on to a bridge accross the motorway and shoot your load down aiming for cars windshields.

#157. Climb on top of a cupboard and do it.

#158. Climb in to a cupboard and do it.

#159. Use white Trash porn.

#160. Masturbate while looking at yourself in the mirror.

#161. Become a Mormon just to jizz into the bibles that you sell to people at their doors.

#162. Inject a twinkie with your goods.

#163. Use a crisp packet.

#164. Masturbate through/into somebody's letterbox.

#165. Masturbate to a Hitler speech while in history class.

#166. Get a job at McDonald's and masturbate into the fries to add an even more saltier taste.

#167. Fill your oldest, smelliest shoe with your dieting girlfriend's/mother's/female housemate's refrigerated jelly/jello, and then fuck it, and put the jelly-filled-shoe back in the fridge, with its added protein. Both parties involved benefit.

#168. Masturbate into a shoebox.

#169. I give to you the Slush Poopie™: You get a girl to tilt her mouth horizontally so that you can proceed to shit in it, and then piss in it, and then swirl your dick in it, to create a mixture much like that of a Slush Puppie, however not as cold, and not as tasty, and it doesn't come in a cardboard cup. In terms of masturbating, it would basically feel like a warm moist vagina.





I'd like to thank my girlfriend Kat, and myself for #169, which we feel needs a place on Urban Dictionary anytime soon.