666 ways to masturbate

#145. Whilst playing Hello Kitty Online.

#146. Make a thick bowl of porridge to use.

#147. Masturbate whilst sitting on a little stool and milking a goat.

#148. Use gone-off milk to lubricate.

#149. Use gone-off breast milk to lubricate.

#150. Go for a record 150 times in one day. Then go to the hospital.

#151. Masturbate to the pixelated strippers in Duke Nukem 3D.

#152. Whilst doing it, keeping thinking to yourself: "You're pathetic".

#153. Masturbate in the middle of a roundabout.

#154. Masturbate in the middle of a motorway.

#155. Go to Walmart and open a pack of fresh tube-socks and masturbate into one of them and then put it back into and reseal the pack, and just leave the store without buying anything.

#156. Go on to a bridge accross the motorway and shoot your load down aiming for cars windshields.

#157. Climb on top of a cupboard and do it.

#158. Climb in to a cupboard and do it.

#159. Use white Trash porn.

#160. Masturbate while looking at yourself in the mirror.

#161. Become a Mormon just to jizz into the bibles that you sell to people at their doors.

#162. Inject a twinkie with your goods.

#163. Use a crisp packet.

#164. Masturbate through/into somebody's letterbox.

#165. Masturbate to a Hitler speech while in history class.

#166. Get a job at McDonald's and masturbate into the fries to add an even more saltier taste.

#167. Fill your oldest, smelliest shoe with your dieting girlfriend's/mother's/female housemate's refrigerated jelly/jello, and then fuck it, and put the jelly-filled-shoe back in the fridge, with its added protein. Both parties involved benefit.

#168. Masturbate into a shoebox.

#169. I give to you the Slush Poopie™: You get a girl to tilt her mouth horizontally so that you can proceed to shit in it, and then piss in it, and then swirl your dick in it, to create a mixture much like that of a Slush Puppie, however not as cold, and not as tasty, and it doesn't come in a cardboard cup. In terms of masturbating, it would basically feel like a warm moist vagina.





I'd like to thank my girlfriend Kat, and myself for #169, which we feel needs a place on Urban Dictionary anytime soon.

Guess Her Muff Quotes

Here's a few more funny gems from the coolest thing about guess her muff... the comments.

• If she has Parkinson's, she could probably give you a pretty decent hand job.

• I want to stick my tongue in her butt and wiggle it around while I go, "Loloolooo llolwwwwwooooww wlowwww ssmmmmmffffttt"
  
  Then I would fuck her in the ass while she is bent over that orange chair. As I am about to come I would pull out my cock, spin her around and explode deep in her throat. After that I would wipe my dick on the blanket in the chair, smack her in the ass one time and grab a beer from her fridge as I searched for my keys...

• She could probably keep the same battery pack by her bed to run both her vibrator and defibrillator.

Bye 24BC

I bid you farewell, give you my undying love, and promise to buy you if I get enough cash. We've had a good 3 years together.


Some memories I can think of:

- Having Ant Moody sleepwalk into the kitchen during the night and begin pissing onto a chair he thought was the toilet. The chair was very close to myself.

- Pretending I was a pacifist christian to some local 10 year old hooligans who wanted a fight with me as they saw me entering 24BC, as if I was to flatten them despite my weedy arms, they may get their bigger brahs on me or send a brick through the windows. I think I handled it in the best way possible.

- Playing Xbox until the early hours of the morning countless times, and if my memory serves me right, never getting a complaint from Kane one room away about the noise.

- I'm not a hippy, and boy god if I was, I'd probably kill myself, but I did love my recycling bins.

- Hiding behind a bush in winter armed with snowballs, then windscreening a moving van with said snowballs, and having it skid to a stop, only for me and Kane to cheese it.

- 24BC's very own coffee table which featured the ability to put your feet up on it when watching the TV, and it didn't even care how dirty or paper-ridden it got. It got cleaned a few times.


I've now moved into a different place, which has to be said is a far better house than 24BC, but I doubt 15 Regent Park Terrace will ever hold a place within my heart, or rather my skin, like 24BC does. That sounds kinda gay doesn't it?



Anyway, I'm back to carry on posting baby shit on this shit blog like '666 ways to masturbate' that only a 12 year old would find funny, and fortunately some of the mental ages of those who may read the blog are indeed 12 years old. Stay tuned kiddos.

666 ways to masturbate

140. Masturbate at church.

141. Masturbate before you go to bed; it helps you sleep.

142. Masturbate in a petrol station. Not in their bathroom, just in the middle of the mini shop they have.

143. Capture a cricket that's making that annoying sound where it rubs its legs together. Masturbate onto the legs of that cricket. That way, when the cricket goes to make that annoying sound, its legs just stick together.

144. Spell 'wank' onto a game of scrabble. Then wank on that game of scrabble.

420 pics

Found this 420 pic on my unending quest for a house. Hopefully I'm going to have the camera out some more. Bring 420 pics back!

Guess Her Muff Quote

'sniffing and getting difficult in my old age' said:

good job she has an interesting snatch and half decent bod, cos she looks dumb as a gate post. Young dutchman keep your wife and fuck 2396 while she's at work. In 15 years it'll be a bike stand snatch (great long gash you could shove your front wheel in when you park your Raleigh.)
WV = nedernu - probably means something in dutch like "bare ass"

lol

A Tribute To... Zachary

To continue the "A Tribute To..." series that hasn't been updated in a long time, I feel the need to tribute Zach. I would put his full name on the blog, but he doesn't like to be tracked on the internet.
As we all know, our bank manager/"most likely to succeed/cause another recession to get his greedy hands on a fat bonus in the bank world" friend is moving to India for 10 months to pursue his post-college career. My personal favourite memories of Zach are usually on the dance floor of some rubbish Boulder bar. After Aaron got married, Zach stepped in as a hilarious person to dance with on 80's night and at absinthe. Who else hoists himself against any wall he can find and begins to thrust against the wall to attract any girl who is fortunate enough to look in his direction.

Zach has also been the official TCZ light bulb collector in recent times, stealing bulbs from all around Boulder and only getting caught on one very recent occasion.

He will be very missed during his time in India. He will probably return looking something like this...



And if you find it difficult to imagine Zach when he's in India and the experiences he will be having just think of these photos which sum up India very well.

24 Beechwood Crescent

The end of 24 Beechwood Crescent is finally here with Nick moving into a new place in the last couple of days. This doesn't mean the blog is over, although to be honest our attempts at updating lately have been rather pitiful. I'll try to update it more soon.

But the sadness of the end of 24 Beechwood Crescent gave me some time to think about some of the memories I had in my 2 years there. Here are some of my favourites.

1. Listening to the scheduled 7:00pm sex from the flat upstairs. First the terrible pop music was turned on, then the bed rattled for about 5 minutes, then it was over. At first Nick and I just yelled and laughed at them. Then we started finding more innovative ways to piss them off like turning the volume on our TV up to full while playing Call of Duty MW2 and holding down the shoot button.

2. Purchasing laser pointers, turning all the lights off in the house and using the pointers on people walking by the house to confuse/piss them off. The best being pointing into the house down the road constantly without them ever realising it was us.

3. Watching 20 minutes of Act of Piracy starring Gary Busey. Trying to sell Act of Piracy starring Gary Busey and receiving nothing for it.

4. Tea bagging people on halo 3.

5. Chilling with Nick.


24 Beechwood Crescent will be greatly missed.